Hmm!?
✓Phuckedup Phacts!✓
✓Kansas School Board to adopt
Chick Comic as Science Text
The Kansas School Board, which recently made headlines by requiring the teaching of "Creation Science," will require students to read and be tested on the Chick Comic that deals with evolution. According to the Chick website, its comic "proves that the 'science' of evolution can only be labeled as a misleading theory. Many are being brainwashed in the schools and through the media into believing the Bible is false and that evolution is a scientific fact. Now it's time they are told the truth." School board members say that several leading scientists have changed their minds about creationism after studying the Chick Comics. Rory sez check out www.chick.com if by some slim chance you are not yet familiar with the site. Fly-on-the-wall, Rory's source in the White House, says that President Bush is following this controversy closely. The President keeps a number of Chick Comics handy and refers to them regularly.
Rory gives this one his highest HOLY SH!T! rating:
✓ 38.2% Surveyed would
gladly submit to Rectal searches if President said it would
make them safer.
Graphic submitted to Bush
administration by private Homeland Security Consultant
Reckton Group, Ltd.:
38.2% of American Fast Food
Customers would willingly submit to a cavity search if
President Bush said it would make them safer from
terrorism. A www.roryshock.com person on the street survey
revealed this startling statistic recently. 16.8% surveyed
had no knowledge or opinion on what a cavity search is, in
most instances simply asking "What?" in response to
questions. 7% of survey participants made comments related
to dental examinations. Secret NSA Director Rear Admiral
Charles "Chilito" Numnutz is reported by one of
Flyonthewall's operatives to have said, "These numbers are
a little disturbing. Apparently people aren't scared enough
yet. We need to get a solid majority ready to bend over and
spread 'em in the name of freedom." Numnutz did, however,
recommend rejection of the above freedom-anus poster
design.
Yep, you guessed it: 
✓1-800-nofucky
Federally
Funded Abstinence Only Program Announces 24 Hour
Hotline
Rory
sez: Now I’ve heard it all, man. An organization
called “Sacred Parts” has received $800,000 in
Federal faith based Bush bucks to set up a hotline that
tempted teens can call when they fear they might give in to
sexual urges. Rev. Verle Smegma announced at a press
conference that “this will be a by the book
operation, and I don’t just mean the Good Book. Even
nonbelievers can call this number at any time for
counseling. We gonna teach exactly what the Federal
government says we have to teach: sex outside of marriage
is harmful to your health, can make you mentally ill, will
bring the wrath of god-fearing people upon you, and that
the only sure-fire way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy
and STD’s is to refrain from fornication. And
we’ll also follow the Federal mandate to educate
against fondling, French kissing, petting, and, yes,
masturbation, out of wedlock.”
At first Rory was taken aback at the radical claims of Rev.
Smegma, thinking that his interpretation of the Federal law
is far-fetched and wondering how he could have gotten a
grant. Then he checked out the rules on Bush’s
religious money site and found that you can’t feed at
this trough unless you “emphasize the importance of
abstaining from sexual activity, including but not limited
to sexual intercourse, before marriage and that the
healthiest life outcomes are obtained if an individual
abstains from sexual activity before marriage,” among
other things. [Incorrect punctuation in original].
And to
get one of these grants you can’t provide “any
other education regarding sexual conduct in the same
setting.”
Faithful
reader, if you think this is insane, think Rory could be
making this up, or just want to further mess with your
mind, check out Bush’s site for yourself:
notouchself/nofucky.com
Ben's
note: Rory has stories to tell about the Smegma brothers,
one of whom is the above-mentioned reverend, one of whom is
a sheriff, and the third who is doughnut shop/cafe owner.
Seems Sheriff Smegma has been holding a college student as
an enemy combatant, incommunicado, for nearly 2 years now,
while he waits for John Ashcroft, whom he still believes is
Attorney General, to answer his phonecalls! Rory's got
plenty of info on the situation.
✓24%
Believe Sun Orbits the Earth
A
roryshock person on the street survey recently
found that 24% of North American Shopping Mall users
believe the sun orbits the earth. The most articulate
reason given by a person holding this belief was: "It's
just common sense really. Look. My house stays in the same
place every day. The sun comes up in the East. It goes down
in the West. We wouldn't talk about the sun going up and
down if it was the earth what did that, now, would we?"
Rory gives this one:
✓100%
of Everything in World will be Owned by 2093
Dr. Netcong Philkins of THINKTANK INC. predicts continuing
privatization, globalization, McMansionization,
Walmartization, Bushcheneyization, mental masturbation,
propagandazation, agrandization, and overpopulation. He has
issued a report in which he says the results will be
extinction of virtually all non-human, non-commercially
viable species, loss of coastline, increasingly crappy
weather, the spread of human development to national and
state parks, and a prison population topping one billion.
Virtually all surviving animals and plants will be farmed
for human use. A tiny number of formerly wild species will
be kept in private zoos where they they will be used for
"educational" and entertainment purposes. Philkins predicts
that the oceans will be entirely owned by corporations and
governments. They will be regulated by use of
satellite-generated boundary coordinates, enhanced global
positioning system generated tolls, and a complex system of
encoded electronic passports keeping track of all who
traverse them. Rory sez "Holy Sh!t! We'll probably need a
license to breathe and a permit to pass gas pretty soon."
[note from puppetmaster: in Rory's case, the latter
might be construed as a license to
kill.] In any event, because this
is just the prounouncement of a think tank pundit, he only
gives this one:
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And ... Speaking of Holy Sh!t!:
Rory publishes this graphic to show his solidarity for the
detained college student who created it and is being held
as an enemy combatant by Sheriff Vermin Smegma, the Rev.
Verle's brother, about which more in the
future.
www.reallyfuckingstupidgraphics.gov